For some reason that changed when we found out the baby we were anticipating with such excitement had died. I struggle even writing that sentence because I hate saying that we “lost” our baby. Parents never lose their children; even those who are only with us for a short time. We keep them with us in our hearts. Since my heart is the only place that I can truly hold my little bean, I wanted a constant reminder of this. So the symbol I settled on is a heart knot with two smaller hearts inside a larger one. The design is a continuous line, to symbolize being connected to each other. I had it done on my left wrist, which is a line to my heart, and where I can see it often.
No longer a tattoo virgin. I’ve always admired people who get tattoos. That doesn’t mean I admire their tattoos though-most I find tacky or just plain terrifying. But what I admire is the thought that (usually) goes into getting a tattoo. It’s a very personal form of expression that requires confidence, commitment and dedication to something. Until recently, I didn’t feel dedicated enough to any one symbol to warrant it being permanently etched on my integument.
Seeing it also reminds me of the child I am so blessed to be able to hold in my “real life” arms-our son Davin. He held my hand while I lay on the exam room table waiting to hear a heartbeat that would never reach our ears. He dragged me off the couch saying “Let’s have a dance party, Mom and Dad!”, when dancing was the last thing I wanted to do. He happily accepted my half-choked answer to his question “where my brother, momma?”-“He wasn’t ready to come live with us honey, so he went to be with God instead”.
My Dad wrote these verses for us:
“This gift we bear, a spark to hold,
a glance of grace, a life untold,
a flick’ring flame, a Spirit’s breath,
yet clothed in love, through life and death.
This life we’ve shared, through hope and grief,
a moment’s joy, too soon, too brief;
a silent song sung just in part
now wrapped in love, and known by heart.”
-Curtis Tufts © 2012
Wrapped in love. That is what my tattoo makes me think of. God found our little one and took him to heaven, where he is smiling down on us know. Thank you God for all your gifts, even those we hold wrapped in our hearts.