Ten Super-Human Traits Only Parents Possess

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1. Opposable big toe- With the onset of parenthood, the big toe quickly becomes opposable, allowing easy retrieval of dropped items without the arduous task of bending over or squatting.

2. Incredibly dexterous non-dominant hand- Being a parent means never eating without a child in your arms again. Ever. Therefore, the non-dominant hand steps up to the plate (so to speak), to provide slow but steady delivery of essential nutrition to the mouth.

3. Selective sense of smell- You will become extra sensitive to the smell of feces, except in the presence of the significant other, when the smell will be ignored until the other’s will is broken and they offer to change the diaper. You will also become immune to the smell of spit up on your own clothing, and body odour since there is likely no time to shower.

4. Extra-sensory nighttime noise perception- Inevitably, if your children do not rouse you from sleep regularly, your inner ESNNP will, which allows you to detect the faint sound of your child’s breathing or movement from down the hall before falling back asleep. This trait seems to be strangely under-developed in fathers.

5. Overdeveloped right bicep-Specially honed to balance babies, haul cars seats, and lug groceries, this super-strong muscle is essential to daily parental functioning.

6. Specially cushioned thighs and belly- A carry-over from pregnancy (or the “sympathy belly” in male partners), this extra padding provides comfortable support for sleepy or cuddly babies and toddlers.

7. Auto-bounce and sway function- Initiated by the presence of a baby in your arms, the bounce and sway reaction is designed to maintain sanity in all household members, and to induce sleep or contentment in babies. It may also persist to occur when baby is not present.

8. Spit-up direction controller- A difficult to understand special feature, the spit up controller acts to direct the stream of baby vomit in the exact opposite direction of the applied burp cloth or receiving blanket. It also has a time function, whereby spit up will be launched the exact instant a bib or other absorptive material is removed from the baby’s vicinity.

9. Magical healing kiss- Can be applied to all nature of injuries for instant healing results. Especially powerful when combined with superhero band aids.

10. Enlarged Heart- This develops with the appearance of the child(ren), and will persist for the lifetime of the parent. Likely the most beneficial of all the Super-Human Parenting Traits and should never be used sparingly.

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